the worst year of my life.

this year is about to end. i must write this to remind me what i have done to mess up my life.
so i (wish i) could get my life back again, and try to get better and better.

i was so wrong when i met her, there was once i thought she is the one i ever wanted. and i sent the girl away because i wanna be with her.

how ever, couple monthes passed, it turnout i was so wrong, she is so childish and not-growing-up, but it's already too late.

the girl has a new boyfriend, who treats her very well and she no longer loves me.
all i got is regret, all i had is nothing, but beautiful and sweet memory with the girl.


now, people said "comes around, goes around". and it true enough.


i wish the girl could back but...


no, it's not going to happen.


still, i will pray for her, she is a good girl, and she deserved a better life then me.

status update

七月，整個很糟糕的月份。我完全沒有心思上班，她，在我腦中揮之不去。另一個她，罪惡感沉重到幾乎壓垮了我。


對另一個她而言，我的確犯了不可原諒的錯誤，我也只能沉默著說對不起。


對她而言，雖然她說她也很愛我。但我想我們都知道，這不是場被看好的戲劇，甚至，更糟的是我們也許只是在互相傷害。


我想我從來就不懂愛情，我只知道她(或另一個她)會陪著我，對我來說這樣就夠了。即然如此，為什麼又會有她的存在?


我本來以為，像我這樣的怪咖怎麼會有人喜歡，但她們都說「不會啊，我真的很喜歡你。」於是我開始相信真的有人會喜歡我。但是現在，我再也不相信了。或許是我真的不懂愛情吧，也或許是我終究只會當好人，而沒辦法當個好男人，好老公。這一切都不重要了，對吧? 現在，我更加漫無目的的活著，對於扮殭屍這種事情來說我真的很有天份吧! 毫無目地的過活著，每天只想趕快結束，日復一日著，祈禱著趕快走到盡頭，趕快完成這段荒謬的旅程。


不管是獨自一人或是有人陪伴，但我想應該還是獨自一人吧? 我還是不配得到幸福快樂的結局。

i just know it.

女孩若有所思的扯開話題，微笑著說「我很好」。

「我知道你很好。」Ice回答著。「每個女孩這樣對我說的時後，我都知道其實她們一點也不好。但我只能說我知道，我也只能這樣安慰女孩。」

女孩什麼也沒說，忽然覺得鼻子一酸，無法停止下來，眼框瞬間充滿了淚水。什麼也不說，女孩別過頭去，不想讓人知道其實她只想大哭一場。「為什麼你知道?」裝做若無其事的說。

「我就是知道，這是女人的第六感吧。」Ice繼續說，卻沒發現其實女孩已經淚流滿面。
「哎唷! 幹嘛一直說這些啊! 小心我揍你。而且很晚了，你不是應該回去了嗎?」女孩試圖轉換話題，但滴在地上的眼淚卻讓Ice明白了。

「乖，別哭了。」Ice安慰著女孩，但這的確不是他擅長的能力。「來吧。今天大放送，你想說什麼都可以。」Ice仍然彆腳地安慰女孩。

只是女孩仍然什麼也沒說。而Ice也只能在心中默默的為女孩祈禱著，希望她能過的更好。

one step forward

the last day of the year, how should i spend this precious memories? with friends? or with family?




no need to say, but, i wish to stay alone while the world celebrate the end of the year.


why? it is simple, i wish to hammer myself, to learn more knowledge, to be humble. therefore, i need be alone without distribute.


so i'm sorry for my friends, and my family, i sincerely hope you have a good time, even it's without me.


i wish you a great year!

a tale

everything seems so familiar, just like it happened a few second before, but, yet, it has not happened. Ice sited on the chair, a noise sound came from behind him was the drunk man fall on the floor, struggling to get up. city guards sited on the corner far away from this joke, laughing at drunk man. bartender was too busy to take care the man laid on the floor, almost every one in the tavern has asked for another round. and somehow the guy on the floor yelled "get me up will ya?", but none of them, drinking famous ale of the town, answer his call.

Ice slowly tasted his hot tea, a few people would have a tea in such place like Poison Apple, a tavern full of adventurer, merchant, fairy tale character or even gang thug. but reputation of Ice has already grant him a quite place for his tea. a good and kind cleric with finest warhammer skills, made him a good partner in any party. although this good cleric did some odd behaver, however his role in an adventure party is far important then his odd style.

"can you get me up?" the guy laid on the floor said once again, Ice couldn't stop to help him base on his good character, the good cleric lower his hand tried to reach the drunk guy
and got him up on his feet, a dagger show up on the drunk guy's hand, Ice tumbled back to his table and warhammer and tower shield on his hand. the drunk guy seems upset when he failed to stab the cleric, "i shouldn't drink that much." he groaned, ready to assault the cleric, Ice hold his tower shield tie, asked "who are you? and what do you want from me?" he did not understand why some one want him to die. "you don't need to know that much." the drunk guy said, swing his dagger to attack, Ice blocked the attack and his warhammer straight hit the wretch guy's head. the distribution has draw city guards attention, "Now I have to explain everything." Ice wondered.

aftermath

three months past, i am getting good at this position of my career, and fortune goddess arrived finally, i believed this is a fantasy year.


first i got fired, with a wtf reason, i tried to earn my rights, but i failed, so i asked for help, some said i could have apply government assistance, meanwhile i needed some cash to pay my tax, and then a new job came to me, thought it payment didn't that well, but i took it still, a horrible project pop up and i didn't have time to sue my ex-employer, and i didn't know if i could make it, however here i was, sat on my desk as employee of the company, typed my journal.


right now all i have to do, is studied more software programming's technical, i am sure this company have lots of new adventure awaiting for me.


by the way, maybe it's time to finished what i has lost from the ex-company.

A New Game

it's been after a half of May since i was fired, luckily i had about 10 interview notifications, and finally i got a new job, although it wasn't the most company i wished, but pretty close(second priority).

it's wonderful that i have job now, meantime i also like back to the old days, OT hell, i was overtime in the first day i reported to my new company, and next 2 weeks, every day was OT, strangely, everyone seems to ordinary about this, but i'm not. so every OT days i was the one who left first, that made me felt a bit of guilty. however, who cares LOL.

well, about the controversy of my last company, i think i should find some time to process, still i didn't like the ending but... i have no choice, the only thing i will admit was something i said about Mr. F, and i said it because in that timing he did so. i guess it doesn't matter any more, i worked for 3 years and then i got fired because the situation i don't even know, i can't just let it happen, i must fight for my right. god bless us.

so, it not worth to save me.

being struggled here for three year, and i still wandering like a zombie, mindless, goalless, helpless.
why should i save myself? it just doesn't worth it, and i shouldn't even be this world, this planet, this island.
arrrr, how pathetic i am, could not change anything. i try to kill some time but, time still can't be killed.

i stand before the crossroad of my life, again, i lost, again, i confused, i can not tell the better way, i fear not to move on.

have i seem it before?

記者：「現在是早上八點，記者目前所在的位置是台北市內湖，今天早上傳出了一起命案，一名軟體工程師被發現死在床上，胸口插了一把刀，警方初步研判可能是他殺...」

八個小時前...

長頭髮的男子坐在床上看著電視，身旁的女子專心的抱著筆電玩Facebook上的小遊戲。

呵欠連連的男子關掉電視，親吻著女子道了聲晚安，躺在床上準備入眠。

然而躺在床上之後頭腦卻更加的清醒，猶如電腦中毒般的跳出一斷斷的記憶。

抱著筆電的女子仍然專心的玩著Facebook，對於看起來睡著了的男孩一點也不在意。

「我好像看過這一幕」男孩驚覺著，在他的映象中將要發生很不好的事。「他好像看過自已變成一具冰冷的屍體，胸口插著一把刀，平靜的躺在床上一動也不動。而那個陪伴他的女孩躺在他身旁，絲毫不知道他已經死了。」那片斷的記憶真實的彷彿他在現場般，恐懼佔領了他的身體，他無法不去想這個可怕的預知記憶，他非常的害怕。

時間一分一秒的過去了，男孩躺在床上緊張的無法入眠，他不怕死，但他害怕未知的未來，就像所有的人類一樣。而且，那個預知記憶並沒有果程，這更令男孩無所適從，甚至不知道該如何應對。

最終，男孩累了，濃濃的睡意驅散了令人不安的恐懼，他安穩的睡著了，不再害怕，不再恐懼，相信自已該走的路。

早上八點，男孩的鬧鐘叫了很久，卻始終沒有人來按掉它。

love

love, happiness, surrounded all over my friends, and i shared their happiness, their joy. but why? there is a feeling i can not tell is hurting my heart.
i wounder why i feel so lonely, i guess that curse still affected, what ever i really wanted, have it i shall not.
i hate this world, i hate everything, but i could not make any different.
gosh, i hope so much i could die so easily, then i can left this hell, this terrible plant, this paradise makes me sick.
but god just don't make it come true, it just wants me suffered more pain, until it satisfied.
and when will that be? i doubt it will never come...
walking in the shadow, i hide myself, run away from my friends, fear to face my love, dare not to say love loud.
i write "a nobody" on my epitaph, and sleep forever, hope no one will remember me.
forever and ever.